Part of living means accumulating emotional bumps and bruises along the way. We don’t realize how damaging some are until it’s too late. We get so used to some of them that we accept them as part of our identity.

Mental health and self-healing have only stepped into public conversation prominently over the last decade or two.

With the growth in popularity of social media in all forms, it’s easy to find people sharing their healing journey. I think it’s great. The more people who share, the more people can find others going through similar things and see they aren’t alone.

Finding people I could relate to when I got divorced helped me recover and turn things around.

With so much information out there, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Whom do we believe, and what works?

Our lives feel busy enough; can we add extra steps for gratitude practice, meditation, or another multi-step process? Even worse, does any of it help us if we dread doing it and end up just going through the motions and checking a box?

For myself, working on healing, I would get frustrated because I felt like I was putting in the work but not getting the results I expected. I felt like I was doing busy work. It seemed like I was doing something, but I wasn’t.

I discovered four things, almost like traps, that people mistake as things that will heal them. They only give you the illusion that you are doing the work, but you aren’t. One of these could be holding you back if you don’t feel like you are progressing.

Time Heals All Wounds

This has to be one of the most misunderstood phrases in human history.

Healing is not something you do passively. Healing takes work. The passage of time allows your emotions to calm down, but it doesn’t heal anything on its own. Sometimes we mistake this calming of our emotions as healing.

We think we have moved on because something doesn’t bother us as much as before. We might be able to process and move on quickly from some minor things. More significant events like divorce, loss of a loved one, heartbreak, childhood trauma, or anything that can cause post-traumatic stress (PTSD) won’t just fade away.

Waiting for things to fade away with time is equivalent to ignoring everything. It’s still there and will come out from time to time when something triggers it. Your relationships and the people you care about the most will be the ones who suffer because you haven’t taken the action you needed to.

Nobody will come to save you, and nothing will fix itself. You’ll have to take the first step if you want to heal. This will involve you unpacking whatever the issue is, either with a therapist, journal, mentor, family member, friend, or something else.

Reading More Books/Articles, Listening to More Podcasts, Finding More Social Media Content

I love self-reflection and self-awareness. I think I’m good at diagnosing my weak points. I enjoy finding ways to improve myself and turn weaknesses into strengths or at least make them not flaws.

But I can go overboard occasionally and overconsume some things because I’m looking for the latest and greatest breakthrough. That leads to me not following through on something that could work because I don’t complete it.

We should all strive to be lifelong learners. It’s never been easier to find information than it is right now.

It becomes a problem when you don’t apply the information you have learned. Have you tried the five-step process that the writer recommended? What about the tips you heard on that podcast? Are you going to look into that free support group that the person on social media was talking about?

You won’t heal by osmosis. Having all the knowledge is pointless if you aren’t going to do anything with it.

Disregarding Your True Feelings With Constant Positivity

I used to think it was made up, but toxic positivity does exist! I’ve seen it and experienced it. You most likely have, too, but haven’t realized it.

Have you ever had someone ask you how you were doing, and you started to tell them you were struggling? Instead of just taking a second to listen and understand what you were going through, they jump in with a pep talk.

They say something about how you’ll figure it out, and you’ll crush it! Or they’ll tell you to forget about that; it’s nothing; you got this.

That’s toxic positivity.

Or maybe you’re one of those who always “turn lemons into lemonade.” Your wife cheated, you got fired, and your dog died today? It’s all part of the struggle to get to the top!

Something bigger and better is coming my way! #nodaysoff!! And then you charge into a bright future without acknowledging you got punched in the soul.

That’s toxic positivity.

A pep talk, some fire emojis in a group chat, and continuously telling yourself that you don’t care about something that bothers you won’t solve anything. The emotional pain will still be there and waiting for you to drop your guard a little so it can pour out.

You should maintain a positive outlook as much as possible and have a positive attitude as much as possible. But there is nothing wrong with admitting you are hurting and struggling. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. You will get knocked to your knees.

The truth can only be avoided for so long. You can’t cover everything up in a cloak of positivity forever. Mourn what you need to mourn. Grieve what needs to be grieved. Don’t make any apologies about it, and don’t feel ashamed because you aren’t doing well.

You aren’t “less than” when you need to take time to manage your emotional health.

Busy is Your Best Friend

When my ex-wife and I first separated, I hated alone time. Mainly because I hated being trapped in my depressing thoughts. Many people told me to stay busy. So I did.

It was working, working out, reading, and doing as much as possible with my daughter. Anything to keep me from being still to feel the pain that was there. It wasn’t like I was drinking, doing drugs, or engaging in another kind of destructive behavior. It couldn’t be that bad.

Staying busy keeps you from focusing on what your problems are. It allows them to slide through the cracks and go unaddressed. Distractions here and there to get your mind off things aren’t bad.

But when distractions become central to your life, you avoid facing reality. Any avoidance prolongs your agony and makes things worse. Allow yourself to feel the painful and uncomfortable emotions you don’t want to.

You must become familiar with them to learn how to process them. Learn what causes them so you can recognize them. No, it’s not easy or fun, but the more you face them down, the easier it is to deal with them.

You can’t stay passive when it comes to healing. It’s going to require work. That work is going to be unpleasant at times. Remember that growth comes from uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant situations.

If you feel stuck, look at what you are doing. Are you going through the motions or putting things into practice?

Shoving things into a closet or sweeping them under the rug makes everyone feel they are gone. You can fool everyone and even yourself for a little while. Eventually, the mask gets removed.

It will manifest in your next romantic relationship or cause harm to the relationships you have with your friends and family. As a parent, you could even pass it on to your children, and they can continue the chain generationally.

Think about that for a second.

You may not be responsible for whatever has caused you harm, but you are responsible for working to heal it.