Long-distance relationships never work! I had believed that my whole life. Then I met the love of my life a week before Covid shut the world down. She lived in another country.

Most people would have punted on any idea of a relationship at this point, with the uncertainty of Covid in terms of health concerns and then the fact that every country was closed. Who knew how long it would be before we could get together?

We decided to keep talking because everything was closed, and there was nothing else to do. Her country, the Dominican Republic, put stricter measures in place than mine, the United States, but the Spring of 2020 wasn’t a boon for anyone’s social life, especially if you were trying to get out and meet new people.

The lack of physical contact made us take the time to get to know each other. This was great because I had always rushed into things in the past. I’d get caught up in the physical and emotional druggy cocktail of a new relationship then things would burn out almost as quickly as they caught fire.

This time I had to get to know the actual person before anything could happen. I wonder if many people might benefit from a similar arrangement. Not the distance, but just taking it slow. That might be better saved for another article.

Two and a half years later, here we are, married, and we have now graduated to a long-distance marriage while we wait for her citizenship to be processed. So long-distance relationships can work!

It’s hard; I’m not going to lie. We curse the distance a lot. But there is an end in sight. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.

How did we make a long-distance relationship work, and what can you do to make a long-distance relationship work? Here is what we did.

It’s Not As Complicated As You Think

1. Have an End Goal. What is your ultimate plan? Either for the relationship or for being in the same place. Is your ultimate objective to get married? Will one or both of you be moving to the same area so you can be together if you aren’t ready for marriage yet? Is one of you away for work, school, or something else, and this is just a short-term thing?

You both must be on the same page about where you are going with the relationship. If you don’t have a plan or goal, it will leave the relationship blowing in the wind. That uncertainty is going to build resentment in one of the partners. The more hesitation you have, the more of a chance you give for doubts to creep in and trust to become an issue.

My wife and I didn’t live in the same country, and I wasn’t going to move to hers because I had a daughter that I wasn’t going to leave. My wife worked in the education field and was already planning on moving before we met if there was an opportunity that was a fit for her. But she would have to have some work visa or citizenship to be with me here.

After the first meeting, we both knew we wanted to be together, but things had to happen before we could take the next step. We spent more face-to-face time together, meeting each other’s family and friends and having her visit me in my country at the very least.

Our end goal was to see if we could get to marriage. Within about nine months of meeting and six months of being in a serious relationship, we knew we were headed there. It was just a matter of filling in the details.

2. You both must take turns going to see each other. One person can’t be doing all the traveling. That will get old, expensive, and become a time-drain, and the one doing all the traveling will feel like they are doing more than the other. Sometimes, that might be harder due to different countries and passport/visa issues.

If you both visit each other, you’re sharing the costs. Plus, you see the other partner in their environment around their friends and family. You get to see how they indeed are. You can hide things when traveling alone to a place nobody knows you.

My wife and I rotated visits. I would see her, and she would come to see me. As a teacher, having the summers off, she would spend longer with me here in the summer.

I know only some are financially able to travel often; I get it. Luckily, I was, but it will make a long-distance relationship harder if you aren't.

3. Don’t end a visit without knowing when you’ll see them again next time. Even before we married, my wife and I would always figure out the next time we would get together before our current visit ended. By having that figured out, it softened the sadness of our goodbyes.

It gave us something to look forward to, and this was helpful. It’s easy to get caught up in the sadness of saying goodbye, but saying, “Hey, I’ll see you in a few weeks,” made it a little easier.

At first, we would go a couple of months without seeing each other, but now it’s usually once a month. Right now, we are at the mercy of the USCIS.

4. Decide how you are going to communicate. There is no right or wrong way to do this, but you do have to be on the same page.

Nowadays, there are a million ways to communicate: call, video call, text, email, whatever. Maybe time zone differences make calls harder, so emails/texts might be more accessible. Perhaps you’ll talk once a day at a particular time, and that’s it. Or maybe you’ll call or text whenever you feel like it.

My wife and I just texted and called or video-called each other whenever we felt like it. Talking every day is what worked best for us. That might be smothering for some, and others might prefer to speak more infrequently to allow things to happen in their lives, and they have more to talk about when they talk. As I said, there is no right or wrong here. You just both must agree.

5. Weekly date dight or time when you are both fully present. This happened earlier in our relationship, but we had a weekly date night. At first, it was a weekly video call with a drink. Sometimes it was a weekly movie. We even did video calls in stores while shopping and doing various other things. It made us feel like we were more of a part of each other’s daily lives.

As the pandemic eased and things started to open, we returned to our everyday lives. That meant her back to the classroom and me back to being a single dad who was a part-time chauffeur for a teenage daughter.

We didn’t have as much time previously to communicate, so it was more important to set time aside for each other where it was just us, with no distractions or interruptions. It’s easy to rifle off a bunch of text messages or even make a phone call and scroll through social media or the internet on your phone, but it’s essential to have time when you are both fully present without distraction.

So even though I lived most of my life swearing long-distance relationships do not work, here I am in a successful long-distance marriage. They aren’t easy, and I’m not sure I’d recommend them; however, if you are open to love and go in knowing it will be a challenge, they can work.

Things could be more challenging if you and your partner have a history of trust issues or if either of you tends to be jealous. If that describes you, then I would tread lightly.

Ultimately, just because everyone else does things the conventional way doesn’t mean you have to. You can blaze your trail and do it your way.