I was running late. I rushed up the sidewalk to the therapist’s office for our first meeting. I had no idea what to expect. “Will your wife be joining us?” she asked. “No, she won’t. She wouldn’t come.” I said.

When my wife decided to separate, I thought going to marriage counseling might help get us back on track. My wife disagreed with that and refused to attend the counseling sessions.

I had three sessions scheduled, and I decided to go alone. I knew I would be in for a rough time; I might as well get a head start with therapy.

What I hoped would be some tips on how to right the ship turned into a discussion about what I would be facing. The therapist didn’t come out and say it, but looking back, she knew my marriage was over.

One of the first things we discussed was the five stages of grief.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross was a psychiatrist who developed the theory of the five stages of grief. She started this theory in her famous book “On Death and Dying.” These grieving stages were for the death of loved ones initially. Not divorce.

Somewhere along the way, the five stages got related to divorce. Although it’s not a physical death you are grieving, it is a significant loss.

You’re losing your spouse and your future with them.

There is some debate now about whether there are more stages or if it’s applicable. Knowing about the stages didn’t make dealing with them pleasant, but it helped me to understand what I was going through.

Here are the five stages of grief and how I experienced them for anyone on the cusp of a marriage about to end.

Denial

Whenever you receive shocking, unpleasant news, your first reaction is to deny it. This defense mechanism covers up the shock you feel from unwelcome news. If you refuse it, maybe it didn’t happen.

This was me for about a month after discovering my wife wanted to separate. I kept telling myself she needed time and things will work out. We could fix this. Totally.

After all, we had a young daughter, and we’d been together for a while. That had to be worth something. That glimmer of hope made it not feel so bad. Looking back, that “hope” just prolonged the agony.

Anger

Anger is another defense mechanism. If your spouse comes to you and says they want to separate or divorce, you’ll probably get angry. You get angry at your spouse for wanting to leave. Maybe you get mad at God for putting you through this. You could even get angry at yourself for letting this happen.

You might even get angry at other people depending on the circumstances of your divorce, like infidelity. Anger is a mechanism to cover your sudden pain and confusion.

My anger arose from the fact that I was blindsided by my wife’s sudden change of heart. I was angry that she never spoke up about things she was unhappy about. I was angry I wasn’t given a chance to fix things.

Anger for me passed quickly but would return here and there. One of the earliest realizations I came to in therapy was that I wasn’t happy in the marriage. Our marriage had become two unhappy people cohabitating in the same space. We also sucked at communicating. Not exactly a recipe for success.

She just happened to hit the eject button before me in a more painful way than was necessary.

I couldn’t hold on to the anger for too long when deep down I wanted out too. Eventually, our unhappiness was going to simmer until it boiled over.

Bargaining

Once the bomb drops, the person on the receiving end of the blast can usually be heard saying: “I will do anything to make this marriage work!”.

People offer to go to counseling and therapy, change their ways, and even stop their destructive behaviors. To keep the marriage together.

Some people even try and bargain with a higher power. Non-religious people start praying for forgiveness and asking God for help. They promise to become faithful followers if only their marriage can be saved.

I offered marriage counseling and tried unsuccessfully to rebuild the “spark.” It was too late for those things. For a bargain, you need a second party willing to bargain.

Depression

Ultimate sadness. It’s different for everyone. Some people struggle to get out of bed and feel hopeless. Some lose all interest in what they usually love to do. Some medicate with alcohol, drugs, or other destructive behaviors. Sometimes it’s more drastic.

I got stuck in this stage for a while. I wore depression like a badge of honor. To this day, I wouldn’t say I like looking at pictures of myself from that period because I can see and remember how I felt.

I lost interest in everything but eating. I gained 50 pounds. Everything except my daughter seemed pointless. I stopped caring about everything else. I was sure the rest of my life was going to be meaningless.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Acceptance

This is where you finally accept it’s over. You look at yourself in the mirror and think, “It is what it is,” and realize life will continue.

Near the end of 2010, about a year and a half after my wife and I had separated, the fog started to lift. I got a new job, sold “our” house, moved to a new neighborhood, and lost the 50 pounds I had gained.

It was gradual, but “good” things began to happen in my life, and positive momentum was built to propel me forward.

I realized I had a fresh start with a clean slate. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I no longer wanted to continue living the way I was. I thought of my daughter and her growing up around a depressed, miserable, and out-of-shape dad.

I didn’t want her to look back and think about her childhood with her dad, who loved her but was always unhappy. So I decided to change.

So that was it; I had successfully made it through! But had I?

The Myth

Many people think that you move through the stages in order, and once you reach acceptance, that’s it; it’s over. Your grieving is done, and life goes back to normal. Nope.

Everyone will experience these stages differently. You might start with anger, whereas others with denial. Some might skip a step. Sometimes you bounce back and forth between locations.

I bounced between depression, acceptance, and sometimes anger. Certain things would spark a memory leading my mind down a rabbit hole to an unhappy place. I’d get angry at still feeling a certain way, then snap myself out of it by being aware of my thought patterns.

You might yo-yo back and forth. It’s all part of the process. Pay attention to what your thoughts are doing, and remember that what you feel is valid.

Knowing what you’re about to face won’t make it easier, but understanding what is going on makes it seem like it will pass eventually. Knowing there would be an end made it seem more manageable for me.

The grieving period will be different for everyone. Some will be able to move on faster than others. Things like the length of the marriage will factor in as well. Avoid facing things alone, especially if you get hung up in one stage. I learned that the hard way.

If you can, find a therapist or counselor. You must try and unpack your emotions and feelings. You can find a divorce support group. Meetup.com has good groups for single parents. Churches have good divorce support groups. If you aren’t into organized religion, the support groups don’t generally push you into it.

Just know that it will get better regardless of where you are. That might not seem easy to believe right now. You can be happier and more fulfilled than you imagine if you take this, learn from it, and grow.