4 Surprising Reasons Keeping You From Moving On After Divorce

The fog of pain, uncomfortable feelings, confusion, and loss seems never-ending.

Your divorce is finalized, but you separated well before that. You still can’t seem to move on, however.

Time heals all wounds, but time has passed, and you feel like you’re still at the beginning of everything.

If the news of separating blindsided you, it hits harder because you feel like you weren’t even given a chance to fix things before they ended. You feel abandoned and betrayed by someone who said they loved you.

A few years after my divorce, I found myself down and out with no real hope for the future. I wasn’t hung up on my ex, just on facing what I was going through and trying to avoid it at all costs.

I’ve met many divorced people over the years, struggling to move on, and these are some of the surprising reasons that hold us back.

Reaching for distractions

Nobody likes uncomfortable feelings. Most of us can’t stand being alone because our thoughts run chaotically.

Enter distractions.

Some we know aren’t good for us, like drugs, drinking, and risky behavior. Some we don’t think are bad because they seem constructive, like exercise, work, and hobbies.

Sometimes, we don’t even realize we’re doing it, like when I would sit in front of the TV or scroll social media or the web mindlessly.

You look up, and hours have passed, and you still feel like crap.

Your avoidance is just delaying the inevitable.

The only way out is through. You will have to face the uncomfortable feelings whether you want to or not.

What will help you heal is processing those feelings, not inactively waiting for time to pass. It takes practice, work, and patience.

You must allow yourself to feel uncomfortable, not judge the feeling or yourself for it, and ignore your mind when it spins stories about those feelings.

Your mind will take you feeling bad and spin a story about it. It will have you thinking you feel bad because you are terrible. Then, give you a billion examples of all the bad things you’ve done.

It’s just internal chatter and noise. It is crucial to develop the ability to acknowledge what you feel and hold some space for it.

Not reaching out for help

Divorce brings shame and embarrassment with it. This makes it harder to reach out to others, especially if they haven’t been divorced.

Men, especially, feel like silence is the way to go. It’s not. Suffering in silence led me to become a hermit who stayed home and watched TV and read books about recovering but never actually took action to do it.

It’s human nature to think that our experiences are unique to only us and nobody can relate. There might be unique aspects to your situation that are in the details, but someone somewhere has experienced something similar.

That means reaching out for therapy and finding a support group. Or at least a group of others who have gone through it.

Therapy is the best place to start. You have to unpack things. If it is too expensive, look into online therapy. It’s taken off since COVID-19, and you can find affordable options.

Google support groups in your area. It might seem like a big step, but those of us who have successfully navigated our way through a divorce don’t mind talking to others going through it.

When it seems like your world is crumbling, sometimes you need to hear and see that things will be okay. It doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges, but things will be OK.

Seeing others who have made it through okay helps you know what is possible.

Rushing into new relationships

They are called rebounds for a reason. It’s much easier to shove everything deep down, forget about it, and hop into a new relationship that makes you feel great.

Disaster strikes when you haven’t taken the time to heal the fractured relationship first. You bring your problems into the next relationship that seems to disappear during the honeymoon stage.

Unfortunately, you can’t just wipe the slate clean of emotional pain and heartbreak. It takes work.

Before you hop into a new relationship, have you truly healed and accepted your responsibility for things not working? Have you learned to form your mistakes? Have you gotten over your ex yet?

You can’t hide things with a plug-and-play replacement.

You must let things run their course in the healing and grieving process. Jumping into a new relationship too soon will only set you back and make your healing take longer.

You are not reconnecting with yourself

You were an individual before your marriage. You had hobbies and interests. You might have grown and had your tastes change since then, but now it’s time to pick those things back up.

This is where depression might sap you of all desire to do anything. I know because I’ve been there. This is when it’s most important to reach out for help.

Do you remember what you enjoyed? What are you looking for out of life? It could be as simple as doing what you wanted while married but couldn’t.

Now is the time to go after all those things. You can still have the life you want. Don’t sit around watching TV and hiding from the world.

Life will continue whether you actively participate in it or not.

I felt like I didn’t know myself at all. It seemed like I was starting from scratch. I had to re-learn myself.

Learn about yourself. Find ways to nurture yourself back. Look at things you need to improve about yourself and get to work.

Nobody will do it for you, so you’ve got to make it happen.

I’ve seen too many people go through these. I went through most of these myself post-divorce.

A lot of it I flew through unquestioningly. It wasn’t until I reached out for help that things started to change. Therapy and being around other divorced people helped me put everything in perspective.

It also helped me grasp what I was going through and what could be coming my way. It took the surprise out of many things.

Regardless of where you are, you can and will move on. Odds are, you’ll end up in a much better place.

Don’t beat yourself up if you feel stuck or struggle to let go. Just remember that moving on will be an active process.

You can’t outwait all of the uncomfortable parts. They only simmer underneath and stay with you until you shine a light on them.