Co-parenting a Teen Has Taught Me These Lessons
Being a co-parent sucks, but it is better than not getting to see your child at all.
When my ex-wife and I first split, I wasn’t sure if I would be good enough as a father for my daughter. I think that’s relatively common for soon-to-be single/co-parents.
My daughter was a year and a half old at the time of the separation. Now, nearly 15 years later, I can say that while there were some challenges along the way, with more to come (teenagers!), it wasn’t as bad as I was worried about.
My daughter recently turned 15, and here are 15 lessons on life and being a dad that I have learned over those 15 years.
1. You’ll be just fine as a single parent. When I first separated, I was scared I couldn’t be a good dad. The term “good” is objective, of course.
How could I parent on my own? How could I have a positive impact? Even in a limited time, you significantly impact your children. The most important thing you can do is be present with them.
Get on the floor and play. Take them on adventures, even small ones. Help them indulge in their imagination and creativity. Listen to them.
Your head will make things seem worse than they are.
2. Life will continue, even if you aren’t engaged. Life can be challenging. There are always twists, turns, and speed bumps to navigate.
Depression is something I face off and on. It sucks my will to do everything; sometimes, I want to hide from the world.
Life will continue while you are hiding. And you’re going to miss everything, including opportunities to help yourself.
Reach out for the help you need, whether that is to your friends, a support group, or therapy. Whatever you are going through, there is a way out.
3. Adults need to adopt the mindset of children. Children believe they can do just about anything they want with their lives. If you don’t believe me, ask a child.
You’ll hear some fascinating answers that you, as an adult, think are foolish.
They aren’t foolish. We’ve just been beaten down and jaded by negative self-talk and a lack of belief in ourselves.
We should view life the same way as children do. We can do anything; we have to go after it.
4. Watching your child do something they love and excel at is one of life’s greatest feelings.
My daughter’s first love is soccer. Watching her play over the years has become one of my favorite things. The passion, joy, and excitement she shows on that field make me feel more alive.
5. Self-discipline is the most important thing to teach them if you want them to succeed. Life is filled with things we don’t want to do. Some things we must do, like earn money, others like chasing a goal, we must make a conscious choice to show up for.
The earlier you can help them internalize that the chase isn’t always glamorous, the better. Teach them to hang in there and keep pressing when the monotony seems unbearable.
You won’t reach your finish line if you can’t be disciplined enough to stay on the path to get there.
6. You become more of a life coach as your children age. I always try to steer her in the right direction without deciding for her. I do my best not to offer unsolicited advice.
Unless it’s something that could negatively impact her life.
Sometimes, it’s hard because, as a parent, you want to keep your child away from things like failure and challenging times. But tough times and failure are a part of life.
Teaching them that actions have consequences is essential. It’s also important to teach them to be resilient when facing tough times that might have been caused by themselves.
7. As a co-parent, someone is always unhappy with how much access they get to the child. Everyone wants more. You, the other parent, your extended family, the other parent’s extended family, and your child’s friends all want more time.
If you aren’t careful, it can become a tug of war. Being stuck in the middle of being pulled in multiple directions will make you the bad guy occasionally.
You will get called a pushover, and people will think you are getting taken advantage of in some situations. Remember, they only see one side and aren’t considering the whole co-parenting and parenting relationship dynamic.
8. Your child will follow the example you set. You can’t harp on them to clean up after themselves or to do certain chores if you aren’t doing them yourself.
Getting your child to fold and put their laundry away is hard when yours has been in the dryer for days. You can’t get mad at them for not cleaning up when you have clutter and haven’t done the best housekeeping job.
Don’t fill your cabinets full of junk food and then tell them not to eat it. They are watching you and learning.
9. It’s vital to take your kid traveling. I’m not just talking about expensive trips. Go to a different part of your state. Go to another state to visit family. Take a vacation to another country if you have the means.
As a parent, I feel it’s part of my job to show my daughter how big the world is and that the possibilities are practically endless. I want her to see that just because we have things a certain way, other parts of the world do not.
I want to expose her to the unfamiliar so she becomes more comfortable and accepting of differences.
10. Having a daughter means that, eventually, boys will come around. Many parents (see: Dads) worry, at least initially, when this starts to happen.
It’s inevitable, so you’re better off accepting it. You won’t always be the #1 male in your daughter’s life, and that’s okay. The more you fight it, the more they will rebel.
Equip them with everything they need to make good decisions when dating.
11. Being a girl is hard, especially as a teen. You’ve got all the hormones and body changes to adjust to.
You’ve got boys coming around, trying to navigate what is “cool,” societal messaging about how you should look and act, TikTok videos influencing things, and so on.
I’ve seen and heard what these girls say to each other on the soccer field. Girls can be nasty to each other.
12. Your parents were never right when you were a kid. When you are an adult, you see they were right almost always. I think that’s a rite of passage of becoming a parent.
All the things they told you to do for your good that you didn’t listen to. They always said, “Wait until you have a teenager…” and you laughed it off.
This becomes obvious when you see you going through things with your child that you went through with your parents. You kick yourself every time.
13. As a single dad, if you have a 6th to 8th-grade daughter, have a “first-period” pack in your house. You never know when that first period will come, but you must be prepared.
Talk to your daughter’s mother or any other woman about what to have in it. Your daughter will be embarrassed and probably not want to talk to her “dad” about it.
Have the pack ready to go, just in case.
14. Help them nip the negative self-talk in the bud. Negative self-talk is something that many adults deal with. Being a parent, you can see it start to take root in your children, which is fascinating.
As adults, we often run around on auto-pilot and don’t realize that negative programming has existed since we were little.
When your child says they can’t do something, gets frustrated because something is too hard, or gives up before even really trying, step in with encouragement.
Remind them that not everything will be easy, but that doesn’t mean they can’t do something.
A lot of life is a head game. Don’t defeat yourself before you start.
15. Don’t compete with the other parent. It’s not a competition, and there is no point in trying to outdo them.
Don’t just be the “fun” parent, either.
There is a time for fun, but there will also be a time when your child must be disciplined for misbehavior.
Keep your promises, whether that’s rewarding them for doing good or taking a phone away if their grades slip. Do what you say you are going to do.
Nothing will hamper a co-parenting relationship more than just being the “fun” parent who doesn’t do any of the heavy lifting of real life.
I’m not going to lie. Losing time with your child due to custody arrangements isn’t fun.
You feel like you are losing so much. Holidays, special events, life experiences, and other things. It is valid to a certain extent.
But even in a limited amount of time, you still experience the complete joy of being a parent. You can still be a good parent and raise a great human being.
Being a single parent made me a better person. I’m not sure I would have become who I would have become otherwise. I’ve learned so much about life and myself that I’m not sure I would have known if I hadn’t gotten divorced.
Maybe that’s turning lemons into lemonade, but as humans, sometimes we don’t fully appreciate what we have until it’s taken away.
There’s always a lesson and something to learn.
