How To Navigate Divorce Grief: Anger
I felt so helpless. I was losing everything. My whole life would be turning upside down. The thought of all of it made me furious. Why is this happening to me?
I was angry at my wife, the other guy, the situation, myself for feeling somewhat responsible, and even God for letting this happen to me. I was selfish enough to believe I was the main character in a movie where everyone conspired against me. Yes, even God.
Anger had always been tricky for me to deal with. I had spent most of my life avoiding feeling it because it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to cope with it. I just shoved it down or ignored it. Whichever worked to make it disappear first.
While everything was taking place, I got good at hiding it. I never talked to anyone about it, and I don’t think anyone knew how mad I was. To everyone else, I was just someone going through tough times but somehow keeping it together. Appearances can be deceiving.
Anger is another stage of grief. Elizabeth Kubler Ross introduced us to the five stages of grief in her famous book On Death and Dying. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
The stages don’t necessarily go in order. This is because everyone experiences grief differently.
Once you have realized the reality of your loss, it is not uncommon for anger to kick in. As I was, you could be angry at any number of things. People, objects, situations, God, or whatever you believe in.
Similar to denial, anger is also a defense mechanism. Anger is usually just a cover for another uncomfortable emotion. When you suffer a loss or divorce, in my case, you feel out of control. Everything around you changes, and you’re afraid because it is all new and unknown.
Denial leaves you feeling disconnected from what’s happening because you haven’t acknowledged the loss yet. Directing your anger at someone or something has a way of making you feel reconnected. This is because the anger ties you into the situation that denial keeps you avoiding.
Anger is a tricky emotion for many people to face.
From a very young age, we’re generally taught that anger is a “bad” emotion and that we must keep it in check. Being conditioned from a young age that anger is “bad” also causes us to feel guilty when we feel it because it’s “wrong.” This leads to feelings of frustration which leads to, you guessed it, more anger.
While we’re told it’s terrible, we’re never told how to handle the emotion. When facing it, we are either overcome by it and lash out or bottle it up. Neither is a good choice.
Anger is usually just covering up other uncomfortable emotions. Many times, anger can be fear in disguise.
After sitting with the anger and dissecting it, I wasn’t angry. I was scared. Feeling anger did feel better after the numb, disconnectedness of denial. I was no longer in that denial dream state.
I was afraid of losing my daughter, my house, the respect of my peers due to a failed marriage, and having to face the rest of my life alone. I was even afraid I was losing my grip on reality. Nothing seemed real anymore.
Not accustomed to facing my anger, I was more prone to making a wrong decision. I decided to call my wife shortly after our split to tell her exactly how I felt and give her a piece of my mind.
Instead of convincing her to see things my way, I got an “I said I was sorry; what do you want me to do?”. At that point, I realized that holding anger towards someone who didn’t care was pointless. I would need to find a constructive way to get it out.
Anger left unchecked can eat you up from the inside.
Find a constructive way to release your anger. The anger stage was the stage I kept returning to the most. After the first couple of months, that anger was directed at me. I blamed myself for all of it. I second-guessed every decision I made during my relationship with my ex-wife.
I beat myself up for everything. I could have done everything differently. Anger blinded me to the fact that relationships take two people. While there were things I could have done differently, I didn’t bare sole responsibility.
Eventually, I got tired of beating myself up and started going for long walks to clear my head. When I say long, I mean five or six miles. Soon after, I started lifting weights a couple of days a week. Walking and weightlifting were my zen time. It was when all the troubles of life faded away.
Those long walks and gym sessions are where I began to find myself and make sense of everything.
I always recommend some movement or exercise, but there are other ways. Everyone is different, and results will vary. You can always substitute another hobby like a creative passion. Some of the best artistic works have been created out of pain and anger.
Therapy and support groups will help you get to the root cause of where the anger is coming from. A therapist can help you have breakthroughs, and support groups surround you with others who have either gone through it or are going through it.
We all tend to think our situations are unique and can’t be solved, but the more we share with others, the more we see that we aren’t alone. Speaking up also encourages others to do the same.
You can also journal or write your story of what has happened. If worse comes to worst, you can always scream into a pillow or in the quiet solitude of your car. Beating up a heavy bag is always good too. I’ve done it all.
The key is that it’s better out than in.
Unfortunately, there is no timeframe for the anger stage. Of course, lashing out causes an immediate release, but it can also cause harm to you or others around you. While people who know what you are going through might give you a little more leeway than usual, lashing out at the people that love you and care about you isn’t the answer.
Bottling it up can also cause damage in the form of mental and emotional pain in the long term. You’ll become a simmering pot that will eventually boil over. It’s easy to pretend that everything is excellent and that you are unaffected. Ultimately, the last straw will fall, and everything will come raging out.
It’s natural to feel anger as you grieve. It’s also natural to think you’re past it, only to be triggered by a memory or something else that brings it back. It’s all part of the process.
Any emotional healing process will mean you’ll have to face those unpleasant, painful emotions. Unfortunately, there is no way around it. The more you struggle to avoid it, the worse it will be. Both now and later because you can’t avoid it forever.
Don’t seek to rush through and get it over with. Try and understand why you’re feeling what you are feeling. Look to understand what is at the root of your anger. It’s not usually what you think is at the surface level. It’s something else.
The deeper you dig to find that out, the more solid foundation you can build for your rebirth. Although it doesn’t feel like you can come back, you will.
