How To Navigate Divorce Grief: Denial

I don’t think anything had ever been so straightforward. It was right there, out in the open, in front of my wife and me. Her actions were screaming that she was leaving, but I still thought we had a chance because she hadn’t said the words.

For two weeks, between her secret being revealed to me and me forcing her final decision, I kept hanging on — hanging on to the idea that things could work. That it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.

It’s funny how, right in the thick of things, you’ll fool yourself into believing things so you can make it through. You’ll think to yourself; we can make it through this. If we can just come back together, love will conquer all. We’ve been together for so long that it has to be worth something.

None of that was true. She was already long gone. There was no way to save things.

The idea of us separating shocked me. I assumed she had to feel as caught off guard as I was. As I learned later on, things don’t just end overnight. It starts as a small crack. The crack grows more significantly over time. The damage can grow out of hand and sink everything if not addressed.

That’s where we were, past the point of no return, but I didn’t want to accept it. I was in denial.

In the case of my separation, I thought that if I just pretended as if nothing happened, we could return to normal. That would be a tall task when she was having an affair.

Denial is one of the stages of divorce grief.

5 Stages of Divorce Grief: A Guide

Whenever we receive news about a loss, our first instinct is to deny it because we are shocked. Sometimes, you can see it coming, and it doesn’t help. The end still startles you.

You go through a breakup, and you think there’s a chance you’ll get back together; it was just a misunderstanding. You could have a loved one pass away and plan to visit them or call them as usual. You might lose a job and think they’ll rehire you because they realize they made a mistake letting you go.

Although things might not necessarily go in a specific order for you, denial is considered by the stages of grief creator Elizabeth Kubler Ross as the first stage. You can either know the loss is coming beforehand or experience it and immediately go into denial.

Denial is a defense mechanism. Losses, hurt, and denial give us time to let the painful emotions of loss sink in. Denying the event ever happened keeps those emotions at bay so you can continue functioning, at least in the short term.

Denial is a way to stay numb to what has or will be taking place. Sometimes, you might even reach outside for the numbness you need. This could involve drinking, drugs, throwing yourself into work, or any other behavior that allows you to escape.

The point is to keep your focus on anything other than your loss.

If you’ve shared your situation with others, they’ve most likely told you the truth about the problem, but you haven’t listened. Sometimes, you might have walled yourself off from everyone to avoid having to talk or think about the truth.

As with the other stages of grief, there is no set time limit for how long it lasts either.

It really could take weeks, months, or years. It’s going to depend on what kind of coping skills you have. Maybe this isn’t the first time you’ve had a loss, so you know how this will go. It’ll also be determined by how traumatic the loss is to you.

Remembering that you could move past a stage only to return to it later is essential. You could continue in and out of the different stages as you process your grief without rhyme or reason. We all process grief differently.

The way I denied things was to say that the marriage wasn’t over until my wife said she was done. Everything else screamed loud and clear that it was over, but to me, until she said the words, it wasn’t over.

I still don’t know why that is. Maybe if she didn’t say it, we could pretend nothing happened and fix things. It could be one of those entertaining stories we could tell about our relationship. That one time, that thing happened.

Then hilarity would ensue because we were living in a sitcom. Cue the laugh track.

Her saying those words snapped me back to reality. That was it. It was over. No more illusions of a future together.

I’ve had other relationships, heartbreaks, and losses since then. I’ve learned to drag myself out of denial; I must recognize the truth of the moment and be honest with myself.

In the case of my marriage, that meant asking myself if my wife and I were still together. The answer was no. Legally, yes, but as a couple, no. If you have lost a loved one, ask yourself if that person is still here. If you lose your job, do you still have the job?

It’s all about acknowledging your loss.

Once you’ve admitted to yourself that the loss has occurred, you have to allow yourself to let the feelings you’ve been trying to avoid come in. It will be unpleasant, but you must let them all in. You have to face those feelings and start processing them.

If you have leaned into behaviors that aren’t healthy to try and avoid acknowledging the loss, you could be putting your health at risk — or even endangering others around you. If it’s hurting your life, it’s time to seek help.

You don’t have to try and handle all of this on your own. I utilized therapy and found local support groups. For whatever reason, therapy still has a stigma attached to it, especially if you are a male, but many of us would benefit tremendously.

In the internet age, support groups are easy to find. Just go to Google and search for it. You will find support groups at local churches as well as at meetup.com. You'll be able to find one near you. You will feel relief from finding others who can relate to what you are going through.

Don’t isolate yourself from everyone, even though you will most likely feel like doing that. Start with a friend who will listen so you can healthily express your emotions.

Sitting and bottling things up will make things bubble underneath and keep you trapped from moving on. Years later, it will be a painful realization if you realize you could have moved on but kept yourself stuck by your choice.

Do remember that it’s a process that takes time. Allow yourself the time to process everything. Losing something important to you is never easy. The more significant the loss, the harder it will hit. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a way past it.