Protecting The Mindset of You and Your Children
I was reading the book “you2” by Price Pritchett and I came across a quote that really made me think. The quote is:
“True, there are limits, but you don’t need to worry about them. Your real limits are far beyond your artificial mental boundaries. The real limits won’t box you in, but the false ones you’re carrying around in your mind are self-imposed prison.”
This quote struck me for a couple of reasons. My initial thought was of all the times I had a goal or a dream in mind, but never followed through on pursuing whatever it was. I thought of the times I let myself become overwhelmed by negative self-talk and never even bothered starting. I’d get anxious and look at the outcome before even diving into whatever my goal was.
Since diving into the self-help space years ago, one of the main themes I’ve noticed is the importance of your belief in yourself and what your mindset is. At some point when we are younger, we generally have a tendency to become more critical of ourselves. This is when the negative self-talk starts and for some of us, it takes root like a weed. Once this happens, talking down to ourselves becomes second nature. It gets to the point where, unless you REALLY pay attention to it, you won’t even realize it’s happening. Your brain goes on autopilot and shoots down everything in a negative way. The brain thinks tens of thousands of thoughts a day and that can lead a ton of negative thoughts if you aren’t mindful of those thoughts.
This led me to my second thought. My daughter is 11, has she gotten to the place where that “inner voice” says negative things? Is she overly critical of herself? Then I thought, “what can I do to help her?”. I know you can’t fully eradicate negative thoughts. They’re always going to be there. The important thing is, can you just recognize it as nothing more than a “thought”? Are you able to make the distinction that you are not your thoughts? Well, as my daughter is 11, I can’t deeply philosophize on the deeper aspects of this because she’s not old enough yet. But is there something I can do to at least steer her on the right track without being overbearing and, well, a pain in the ass to her?
I’ve already noticed little things from her. I’ve noticed them because I’m on the anal side of noticing my own thoughts and self-talk. I notice things like, before a big soccer game against a good team, she’ll be nervous and focused on not being able to beat the other team. Or she will come home with a not so great grade from a reading and reading comprehension quiz or assignment and she be in self-defeat mode. “I can’t do it. I just can’t. Look at my grade!”. There’s been other times too where she says she can’t do something a gives up before even trying.
It can be tough to watch these moments play out in real time. How do you sit your 11-year-old down and reason with her that her biggest enemy is going to herself? How do you get child to understand that, the biggest hindrance to your success or your biggest ally to your success, is your own mind and what you think and tell yourself? If there is an easy way, please let me know, because I’ve been struggling with it for about a year now since I’ve noticed her in moments of negativity.
For an adult, it’s easier, or rather, it should be easier. If you go to any kind of cognitive behavioral therapy or do any studying up on what it involves, one of the initial exercises they have you do are thought records. Basically, a thought record is where, when you have a negative thought, you write it down. Then you examine it. You’ll answer questions along the lines of, “How does this thought make me feel?”, “What is the evidence of this thought being true?”, “What is the evidence of this thought being false?”, “If a friend came to you and said they were thinking this, what would you tell them?”, etc, etc. The whole point is to get to a place where you realize that it’s just a thought, that happens to be negative, and you are most likely overreacting. Do these thought records a few times and you are eventually able to become more aware without needing to write them down.
For a child, they don’t have that level of self-awareness yet. To them it’s just a voice in their head. So far, my main method of attack has been to just help her be aware of the thought. Then I’ll give her the old father pep talk of stop being so negative. Without yelling or becoming frustrated when she doesn’t want to hear it. I constantly remind her that, from the soccer example above, that anything can happen in any given game. The other team might be good, but her team is good too. I remind her that if she goes in with the expectation of losing, then it’s likely to come true. Or if she goes in thinking she’ll have a less than stellar performance, that is also likely to come true. I try and challenge her to go out and just try to do something until you prove to yourself that you can’t. And then, to reinforce things more, I ask if there was anything in her power that she could have done to get a different result? If she didn’t do well on a school assignment or quiz, could she have asked for help in class to understand it more? The point being to see if there was something in her preparation that could have helped her do better. These were all ideas I got out of the amazing book “Mindset” by Dr. Carol S. Dweck. This is from the section on parenting with a growth mindset.
You can actually put the same ideas in to practice for yourself as an adult too. The basic gist being, if you set out for a goal and you come up short, could you have prepared better in some way? Could you have pushed yourself a little harder? When times got tough during the pursuit, what were you thinking to yourself, and what were you telling yourself? I highly recommend the book. A growth mindset can be applied to pretty much any aspect of life. Parenting, work, relationships, pretty much everything.
After digesting that quote, it made me appreciate more the effect I can have on shaping my daughter’s mindset. She’s in her formative years now, and I can really have a positive impact on how she views the world and what she is capable of. I want to teach her to not be afraid of failure, because the only TRUE failure she can have is not trying to do something. Never let the negative inner voice tell you that you can’t achieve a goal or a dream. Definitely don’t let it talk you out of trying something. Give it a shot and let the results show you can’t do something before you move on to something else. I want to show her she can go into any situation with a positive outlook. The choice to do that is completely up to her. I can show her that any dream or goal she goes after might not ultimately turn in to the result she is looking for, but she can finetune her approach at any time to get a different result. And just because you don’t succeed the first time, doesn’t mean you won’t succeed on a later attempt.
Now go back and re-read that paragraph, but instead of seeing it as written, me talking about my daughter, imagine you are talking to yourself. Remove “daughter”, “she”, and “her” and then replace them with “me”, “myself”, and “I”, although not in any particular order.
Your mindset really can make or break you and you really have to be mindful of what it is at all times. You can always change. You can change your behaviors, habits, thoughts, and actions. You can do it at any time. Of course, some things will take more work than others to fully change and it won’t be an overnight process, but you can do it. The first step is becoming aware of what your thoughts are. When you notice them, ask yourself if you would talk to your best friends or loved ones that way? Odds are you probably wouldn’t. Each time you notice a negative thought pop up, question it. “Why can’t I do this?”, “Why will I fail?”, “Why am I being so critical of myself?”. You can go on and on. See if you come up with any good reasons or answers to those questions. I promise you that you won’t.
You don’t have to believe me, listen to Kxng Crooked:
