3 Myths About Co-Parenting That Aren’t True
Hollywood is great. Co-parenting is presented as this glamorous thing where both parents are best friends. They can easily be around each other to attend events for the child. Sometimes, they secretly still love each other, and by the end of the movie or show, they end up back together, and everyone lives happily ever after.
Maybe it shouldn’t be so hard after all!
For those of us who reside in the real world and have had the misfortune of arranging to share custody, we know it’s a lie. Dealing with the heartbreak of a divorce or breakup is bad enough. You must work with that person before you’ve had a chance to heal or process the emotions.
Not to mention, losing time with your children will also hurt.
The only people who truly understand it are those who go through it. At the same time, those of us who have gone through it hope nobody else ever has to face it.
All parents say they want to do what’s best for their children.
Most of the time, what parents mean by “what’s best for my child” means “what’s fair for me.” The thing is, what’s best for a child might not always be fair for everyone.
We’re human. No parent is going to be happy losing time with their children. However, a child deserves equal access to both parents unless the parent is a danger to the child.
Since my divorce, I’ve had the opportunity to meet and talk to many divorced parents. We’ve talked about how we thought things would be and how they were. These were the three most common myths we all came to learn were not true.
1. You and your ex have to be best friends
The parent who has had their heart broken cares about this the most. The last thing you want to do is continue talking to someone who has hurt you. You want time and space but can’t get much of it due to your child.
You don’t have to be friends. All you have to do is be able to work together and communicate about your child. You don’t have to talk about anything else if you don’t want to. You probably work with people you don’t like, but you can keep it professional for the greater good. It’s similar here.
You can set boundaries around when, how, and what you communicate with the other parent. You don’t have to talk about your personal life or theirs.
If your child is younger, remember that you will have many years of shared custody ahead of you. It’s probably best to make the most out of the relationship. Give yourself some time to heal and process things.
If that holds you back, you’ll get to a place where you’re not still hurting and angry.
2. The parenting plan will solve all custody issues
My ex-wife and I devised our original custody plan about 13 years ago. Our daughter will be 15 next month. It wouldn’t work today. So much has changed in that time.
Our daughter’s needs have changed. What she wants to do has changed. I and my ex-wife’s family situations have also changed. If my daughter comes to me and says it’s her step-sister’s birthday, and they are going to dinner for the birthday, and she wants to go, am I going to say no? Just because it’s one of my scheduled nights? No, of course not.
In other situations, it’s reversed, but it generally evens out. The parenting plan doesn’t cover these things because they are unforeseen events. Sometimes, you don’t know until the last minute. It’s usually best to work it out with the other parent.
Fostering an environment of negotiation is best for both of you.
Remember that the parenting plan is just the backbone. It will cover the basics like normal day-to-day, holidays, vacations, other special days, etc. Sometimes you or the other parent wants extra time due to a trip or something. There will likely be times when the child wants to do something with the other parent due to a special occasion.
No matter what you do, do not threaten to withhold the child if you don’t get your way.
3. Your children will grow up with “Issues” because you got divorced
This one has more to do with societal stigma than anything else. The term “broken home” is used for divorced households. Anything “broken” is looked down upon.
In unfortunate events, many adults who grew up in nuclear households have “issues” from their childhood and parents. I think a lot of therapists’ clients come out of that demographic.
It is a legitimate concern, but shared custody and single-parent households are becoming more and more common, unfortunately. Growing up in the 80s, meeting someone whose parents were divorced was rare. My daughter has quite a few friends who have divorced parents. Sometimes, having other people to relate to, especially at that age, is enormously helpful.
From a parental standpoint, all you can do is your best. Stay consistent, be fully present when they are with you, don’t drag your children into your issues with the other parent, and show them that even though things didn’t work out with the other parent, it has nothing to do with them or your love for them.
You know, just by keeping the personal issues aside when your child is around, you and your ex can model good relationship behaviors for your children through your actions. If they see you being spiteful and vindictive because you see yourself as a victim, they will grow up to do the same thing. If they see you carry yourself with respect and dignity, regardless, they will hold on to that.
Your children watch everything, and they sponge. Keep that in mind.
There will be challenges, but you can manage. Things will be more difficult when anyone involved still has raw feelings. Again, you don’t need to do anything more than have a good working relationship with the other parent. At least to start.
You'll do just fine as long as you both are positive influences. You aren’t the first to go through this; you won’t be the last if you can find other parents who share custody in your area. There is most likely a single-parent group or organization you can join.
Finding others who have been through it and can relate can help. It can provide you peace of mind that things will be okay or help you avoid potential speed bumps. There are plenty of us out there; you aren’t alone.
