How to Survive the Holidays Co-Parenting

I had to make a choice: pull over or crash.

I couldn’t see anything because my eyes were full of tears. I was in full-on “ugly cry” mode.

Not pulling over would have meant a car accident.

It was my first holiday as a co-parent/single parent. I had just dropped my daughter off, and she wouldn’t return for a few days.

My wife and I had been split up for about two months, and up until that point, any time I wasn’t at work, my daughter was with me.

How the hell was I going to make it through this?

The first time away from your child is always the worst. Over the years, I tried several things and spoke to other single parents to see how they cope with holidays when their children are away.

These are some tips I’ve picked up or tried.

Self-Care

Your life is hectic. You have work, parental duties, and chauffeuring for kids’ activities. You don’t feel like you have any time for you.

Now, you have that time and can use it for whatever you want.

Sleep in for a change. Get a massage. Start a new book. Go to the movies. Get yourself out of town for a few days. If self-care to you means just relaxing, then do that.

There are a million things you can do for self-care.

The longer you keep things pent up, the more of a chance you’ll face a breakdown. Maybe mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or even physically.

Use this time to fill your cup. It’ll make you a better parent and overall person. Plus, the more you care for yourself, the easier it gets, and your life will improve in all facets.

For Thanksgiving, I used to find new movies to watch in the afternoon after hitting my apartment complex gym in the morning. The gym would help me feel better, and the film would keep me focused on something else for a couple of hours.

I would also hit black Friday shopping deals sometimes, too. It’s a perfect time to complete your Christmas shopping or build your wardrobe.

Strength in Numbers

It’s always hard to face things alone — especially the first time. You don’t know how to handle things. You wish someone around you could relate.

Make an effort to find other co-parents in your area. They shouldn’t be hard to find.

You might luck into a co-parent Thanksgiving/Christmas lunch or dinner. It’ll just be a group of other single parents who don’t have children with them but are looking for something to do for the day.

So, hit Google and look for single parenting groups. Try meetup. Look on Facebook. Of course, vet any group you find.

If that fails, try starting your own and getting the word out in your neighborhood. It might be something you can grow.

If not, even if only one person shows up, the two of you can have a good time.

Sitting with a group of people who share your experience will feel good. You’ll get tips on how they have coped and their expertise.

It won’t seem so difficult once you see others have made it through just fine.

All it requires is you putting yourself out there. Being vulnerable will change your life and all of your relationships.

It also inspires others to be vulnerable and open up. The more that adds up, the quicker you’ll see a community around you.

You might struggle with your first year alone and find someone else to help you. Then, next year or in the future, you become that person you were looking for to someone else who needs help.

I found a single-parent group in my area. We would do things with and without the kids. The group helped me heal and move on.

Friends and Family

The holidays are the perfect time to lean on family and friends. This does not apply if they are toxic.

Look for family and friend get-togethers for the holidays.

Check with your friends if your family is too dysfunctional for your taste. Ask them if you can tag along. They will understand if you let them know you might struggle to be away from your kids.

You might feel anxiety or shame because your marriage has ended, and you’ll be showing up alone. This might feel tougher because everyone else might have their happy families there.

Try to push that aside. Nobody is going to care as much as you think they will. They won’t think less of you.

Don’t get stuck in comparison traps. If your separation/divorce is newer, you might go to a place full of happy couples and ask yourself, “Why can’t I have that?”.

A room full of happy couples is proof you can have that. You’re just taking a different trajectory to find it.

Project Time

Look at your to-do list. What projects have you been putting off?

Do you have furniture you need to put together? A room to paint? A side hustle idea to map out?

What about a self-improvement project?

The holidays fall near the end of the year. What can you do to build momentum going into the new year?

Can’t think of anything to improve? Maybe it’s time for some introspection.

What could you have done to make the past year better?

And I’m not talking about being overly critical of yourself. This isn’t the time to focus on regrets or things you wish you could have changed.

This is the time to think about making your future better than the past. It could be getting in shape, traveling, reading more books, or attending concerts.

Life around you isn’t going to pause because of your circumstances. You have to choose to live it while it’s taking place actively.

Whatever you’re putting off, start it now. The sense of accomplishment will boost your confidence and build momentum.

I love reflecting on the past year and figuring out how to improve next year.

It helps me keep things in perspective and realize I made it through no matter what happened that year.

Every day you wake up is a day to make a change and improve.

It Gets Easier

If you’re struggling with feeling lonely or like you are a failure because you had a family, and now it feels like you don’t, it’s okay.

The feelings are natural. But that doesn’t mean they’re true. A marriage not working doesn’t mean you are a failure.

Relationships are complex things with a lot that goes into them. Sometimes they don’t work.

That first year of being by yourself is going to hit hard. You’ll reminisce about what you have done in years past.

You’ll think about the traditions you had that are no longer taking place.

Let them settle and breathe through them. The first time is always the hardest.

This year might be challenging, but it’ll be more manageable next year.

That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. It still will, but it’ll be less and less each year.

If you try what I’ve laid out above, I promise it will feel even more manageable.