7 Easy Ways to Improve Your Relationship that Take Zero Effort
Complacency is the quiet relationship killer.
It has killed its fair share of relationships throughout history. The kicker is that you don’t realize it is killing your relationship until it is too late.
We all go into a new relationship with hope and excitement. We offer the best, most exciting versions of ourselves to hook the other person in. Some of us go overboard and misrepresent who we are, which is a mistake.
Others of us go in as our true selves and reach our ultimate goal of a long-term relationship, or *gasp*, marriage. We then quickly enter the honeymoon phase, where the chemically spiked love cocktail rules everything.
With time the love drugs wear off, the excitement wains, and you are left living a regular and routine life as a couple.
Mindful couples recognize the monotony of regular life slipping in and start to nurture the relationship. Others become too comfortable, stop trying to grow themselves and the relationship, and become unhappy with themselves and their partner.
I love you, but I’m not IN love with you — Millions of comfortable, unhappy partners.
Unfortunately, I’ve had that exact phrase said to me in multiple languages on more than one occasion. No, it doesn’t sound sweeter in other languages.
My failed relationships led me to analyze how I was showing up in my relationships. I immediately disregarded my partner’s behavior in all situations to focus on what I could control.
This led me to some surprising things about myself and my behavior. I was awful at communicating, and I was horrible at fanning the flames of passion. When I got to the comfortable phase, I got over-comfortable.
I resolved to make changes in my future relationships. I had already been divorced, but I was still hopeful I could find my person and get married again. Eventually, I did.
My wife and I recognized the importance of keeping the spark alive for the success of our relationship from the very beginning.
With plans of growing our family, being on that same page has kept us engaged and present in our relationship. We both practice little things that don’t take much effort that nurture the relationship.
Here are seven things we do to keep our relationship growing.
1. Good morning routine
Mornings can get chaotic. You oversleep. You’re rushing to get yourself ready and get your kid ready for school. You’re rushing to get the dog out. Maybe one partner works at home, and the other is running around.
Regardless of the rush, we take 30 seconds to stop whatever we are doing, shut everything out, hug and kiss each other as we mean it, and say good morning. It’s a mood booster.
Maybe it boosts oxytocin or something; I don’t know. But it’ll make you feel cared for and loved to start your day. It improves my mood on a chaotic day 100% of the time.
2. Start each day with a clean slate
Bad days are unavoidable. You had a rough day at work. Traffic sucked on the way home. You didn’t get to eat lunch. Your kid got in trouble at school. You’re tired. You get the point.
Several things can lead you to snap at your partner over something pointless. We’re humans, and we make mistakes. Maybe you resolve the issue with your partner before bed; perhaps you don’t.
When you wake up, please give them a clean slate.
That doesn’t mean acting as if nothing happened. It means giving your partner the benefit of the doubt that they didn’t intentionally cause you harm. If they did, you have other issues that go deeper than this article can cover.
If things are unresolved from the previous day, now is the time to lay everything out with a calmer head. I’ll go over how to do this in the next point.
3. Behaviors, not character
Whenever we feel hurt or attacked by our partner, it’s easy to get caught up in our emotions and go into defense mode. We’ll say things like, “You always do this…” or “You are a…”. These are not constructive because they attack their character.
Changing a character flaw is a monumental task. Be more constructive instead.
Look at the behavior. Say something like, “When you (did this thing), it made me feel….” Behaviors are easily corrected. It also helps your partner understand where you are coming from.
That is the perfect segue to the next point.
4. Seek to understand your partner, even when you disagree
Sometimes, something you think is either overreacting, or you don’t understand upsets your partner. It might be based on your actions or something someone else did.
Whether you think your partner is overreacting or not taking things seriously enough, take the time to hear them out. You could learn there were things you hadn’t considered or vice versa.
Communication is lauded as the most critical thing in a successful relationship. Misunderstandings and miscommunications can lead to huge arguments. Don’t let something small blow up.
Cracks can turn into canyons.
5. Be present
I get it, it’s 2023, and we’re all practically glued to our phones or a screen. I’m not advocating being fully present 100% of the time. My parents have been married for 48 years. They are content to read separate books in the same room.
Save time for your partner with no screens or distractions, just undivided attention. It shouldn’t be too difficult. You should always stay curious about your partner.
Talk about your day. (Men reading this just cringed) Talk about current events. Talk about the status of your relationship. You can turn it into a game by finding deep probing questions to help build a deeper connection. The possibilities are endless.
6. Be goofy/silly together
Life and adult responsibilities can be draining. Don’t lose your humor and silliness. My wife and I have numerous inside jokes. We have lines from movies that we throw into random situations when they fit.
We’ll watch trashy reality TV and make fun of the crazy situations on the shows. I have a daughter from my previous marriage, and the 3 of us will challenge each other to silly things out in public.
Have fun and break the monotony of everyday life. Routine trips to the grocery store don’t have to be boring.
7. Leave each other notes in random places
My wife is the best at this. I work from home. I have a notebook on my desk for note-taking while on conference calls. I also have a daily calendar for “to-do’s.”
It’s not uncommon for me to turn a page in my notebook and see a random love note from my wife. Or to look at my to-do list and see a message. Little things like this perk me up.
It reminds me of how grateful I am for what I have and what’s important to me.
All of the things mentioned above take little time or effort. I’m not recommending you do these exact things, but hopefully, they inspire you to think of and incorporate little things you can do in your relationships.
The honeymoon phase is just that, a phase. When it ends, what do you have left to fall back on? Everyone talks about the “work” that goes into a relationship, but it shouldn’t have to feel like actual work, should it?
I was told at a young age that if you do the little things, the big things will fall into place. Practicing minor things regularly will compound over time more quickly than making one grand gesture every year or a few years.
