An Uncomfortable Truth About Your Unhappy Life

Do you ever feel like a passive observer of your life, and bad things magically happen to you? Have you been dumped or had a relationship end badly and immediately blamed your ex for things not working? Do you blame outside factors when you don’t reach a goal? Have you ever set out to do something hundreds of times, only to quit early for some “reason”?

It might be shocking to hear this, but you might be the problem.

One of the most painful and essential realizations is that you are where you are because of your choices and behaviors. Some can’t bare the weight of this realization. They get stuck reliving failed moments repeatedly as “what-ifs?”.

Recognizing your responsibility should be empowering, not deflating. It means you can change your behaviors, fix your problems, make better choices, and ultimately get to where you want to be. Being accountable for yourself means you’ll always be able to see the areas where you need to grow.

Every relationship I ever had up through my divorce, including a few after, ended miserably. It was always my ex’s fault. Until I realized that, hey, relationships take two people. I may need to look at how I act in relationships and how I show up. Of course, that doesn’t excuse bad behavior like abuse.

Just recognizing that I was playing a part in these relationships ending opened a new world for me. I could see that I wasn’t a good communicator, I would stonewall, and I didn’t pick people that were a good fit for me, among other things. Without realizing I was a part of the problem, I’d still be stringing along dead-end relationships or stuck in an unhappy one.

Everyone wants to reach the pinnacle, but if we don’t, how many of us can accept that we are the reason we didn’t?

Society preaches accountability, but most of us see it negatively. Usually, when someone says you need to be accountable, it’s because you’ve screwed up. That puts us in a defensive posture where we focus more on defending ourselves than correcting our actions.

If you pass the blame onto someone or something else, you think you are protecting your ego and avoiding whatever trouble is ahead. You’re preventing yourself from succeeding next time out. Whatever happened has happened, what can you do to fix it now?

That’s all anyone cares about. That’s all you should care about as well. Yes, a mistake was made, or something was messed up; what can be done to fix it now?

Excuses are flimsy most of the time. Whoever is hearing them generally isn’t believing them. They want the issue resolved. When you give yourself reasons for coming up short, it’s a different story.

It’s easy to lie to yourself.

You know yourself better than anyone, so you know what to say to believe it’s not your fault. You will accept your weak excuses to save your ego. It’s not easy to admit that you didn’t get a raise because you didn’t work hard enough, or you didn’t get in the shape you wanted to because you didn’t follow the nutrition plan you set up, or your ex left because you didn’t do your part to keep the relationship passionate.

The list can go on and on.

Look around you; you probably know people who constantly play the victim. You know someone who says they were so close, but something happened that prevented things from working out.

You probably know someone who always makes the wrong choices in romantic partners, jobs, finances, social, and even the most mundane situations. They never seem to understand why things “happen” to them. They never seem to make the correlation between their problems and themselves, even when you try and give them a gentle nudge.

The world around us hasn’t helped promote the idea of self-accountability either.

The last five to ten years have been all about self-love. Take it easy on yourself. Show yourself some grace. Forgive yourself. These concepts are great, and I agree with them, but not to the extent that they hold you back from making a positive change in your life.

One of the hardest pills to swallow is that if you aren’t happy with your life or any aspect of it, it’s because you choose not to be.

I bet that made a few of you lean back, shake your head, and think I’m a presumptuous jerk who doesn’t know anything about you or your life. But if that sentence resonated with you, I promise I do.

Do you hate your job? If you aren’t looking for another one, trying to find a way to replace that income, or working to change your mindset about it, you are choosing to stay unhappy at the job you hate.

Are you unhappy in your relationship? If you and your partner have worked on the issues with no success, or you’re basing staying with them on how much potential they have, or no matter what you do or say, nothing changes, you are choosing to remain unhappy.

Are you unhappy with your life? Either with how it’s turned out or where it’s headed? If you aren’t intentionally trying to change your situation, you choose to stay unhappy with your life.

I’ve fit into all of these categories at one time or another. Drilling down deep within myself showed me that just as I was responsible for being stuck in those situations, I was also responsible for getting out.

So I did. So can you. Everything is a choice.

That’s a long-winded way of saying you are the reason that you are where you are. You are the sum of the actions you have or haven’t taken. That’s right; you’re in control of all of it.

This should give you more hope than fear! For any misery you feel about the current state of your life’s affairs, you can lead yourself out of it. Nobody is going to come to save you. It would be best if you accepted responsibility for yourself.

We all have things to work on, and being accountable doesn’t mean beating yourself up or shaming yourself. It just means accepting responsibility for the things that are in your control. Things that you can’t control are just noise.

If there are areas where you are coming up short, be honest with yourself about how you are showing up for what you want. Are you preventing yourself from getting what you truly want because of your behaviors? It happens more than you realize.

You can quickly change your behaviors and choices to get what you want. You are in control.