Everything is Going to Be Okay
The gravity of the moment shook me for a second.
I never expected this to happen, but it did. It happened so quickly and quietly, too.
I was at a Christmas party, but not just any Christmas party.
My ex-mother-in-law threw this party. The attendees were my ex-mother and father-in-law, my ex-wife and her husband, our daughter, my wife, and a couple of neighbors and friends of the host.
I looked up, and everybody was happy, laughing, and smiling.
That includes my wife, who was talking to my ex-wife and her husband!
WTF?
I assumed this kind of thing only happened in sitcoms and rom-coms.
The ones where they gloss over the heartbreak and crushed soul that comes with a divorce. They only show the exes as best friends, maybe with some chemistry still, with one popping in randomly to impart wisdom to the children.
Or crack a perfectly timed one-liner about some zany thing that happened.
But here I was, in a room full of happy people. Almost as if nothing terrible had ever happened.
I realized at that moment that everything was going to be okay.
How Did We Get Here?
I’ve remained close with my ex-in-laws since their daughter, and I split. They’re great people and always looked out for me.
They’ve always included me in “family” gatherings, even when I didn’t feel like family. I didn’t go to most of them due to the awkwardness of things.
There’s nothing like going to a family get-together with your ex-wife, her man, and the rest of your ex-wife’s family.
Sometimes, I forced myself to go because of our daughter. But the awkwardness was always there.
You feel like an outcast because life moves on, but from your point of view, it’s moved on without you.
It hasn’t. You’ve just moved on to bigger and better things, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
You get trapped in this idea that your life has one path. If it diverts from that path, like with a divorce, you feel like everything is lost.
In the middle of everything, it’s hard to see that you can still have the same fairytale ending you want. It’ll just be with someone else.
If you learn what you need to know from your divorce, you’ll become what attracts that other person.
It’s cliché, but sometimes you aren’t ready for what is best for you. Sometimes, that horrible thing, like heartbreak, is best for you.
Thinking and Feeling
If you are familiar with Joe Dispenza, you know how feelings can control your thoughts.
The idea is that you “feel” a certain way, and your thoughts try to provide proof of that feeling.
An example is getting dumped. You feel awful and hurt and less than. Your mind then starts to spin out of control to justify the feelings. You feel terrible, so you must be an awful person.
Round and round, it goes with your thoughts, making the feelings more profound. The more negative the thoughts, the worse you feel.
Unless you pay attention and step back and view those feelings without judgment. This takes practice and work like it does to build any skill.
Pay attention to when your thoughts start to spiral. It’s cliché, but mindfulness and meditation can help you pull yourself out of the spiral.
Things Change
Looking back on my experiences similar to the one I’ve described here proves it to me.
I’d dread the party invites because I’d be forced to face a big part of my life that didn’t work out.
If I did attend the parties, I’d get wrapped in my head about how everybody thought I was a fool. They’d think, “his ex-wife is here with the man she left him for. This guy is an idiot for letting them rub that in his face!”
My thoughts would keep heading down that path for the rest of the night, leaving me anxious and sitting in the corner without socializing.
Over the last few years, I’ve realized none of the thoughts were confirmed. If they were, did it matter?
It eventually occurred to me that the ex-in-laws invited me because they cared about me. They wanted to include me in celebrations for my daughter.
It takes courage to face uncomfortable things, even more so when you must be the bigger person to do them.
If you keep showing up with the right intentions, eventually, a breakthrough will occur.
What You Want is Out There
If you’re going through heartbreak now, you think everything is over.
You beat yourself over what could have been, things you could have done differently, and other things. Emotionally, it’s turbulent.
Don’t think of it as an ending. Think of it as a beginning. You’re now free to find the perfect relationship for you.
The kind of relationship that helps you grow and nurtures you.
Just because things are bad doesn’t mean they always will be. You’re just a few changes away from turning everything around.
Those changes are primarily based on changes you make to yourself. If you keep growing, it’s easier to see what is good for you and what is not.
You’ll also attract more of what you want into your life.
It Will Get Better
I say all of that to say things will get better.
It never feels like it when you are in the middle of a heartbreak. Those times are always the worst times you’ve ever faced. Or so you think.
I remember sleepless nights with no appetite for food. I remember being unable to concentrate on anything other than how bad I felt then.
I remember feeling shame for getting divorced and feeling like a failure because I was the first in my circle to get divorced.
The next thing I knew, I was in a room with my ex-wife and her family, having a great time at a Christmas party. Even crazier, my wife is having a blast, too!
Give yourself some time and patience. That doesn’t mean sitting back and doing nothing because healing is an active process.
It just means to let yourself come up for air and take a step back. Figure out what is hurting you and why. It’s generally not just the heartbreak itself.
There are layers there that need to be peeled back and healed.
The healing is where the magic takes place. The healing is preparing you for something better.
You can always go right by working to improve yourself.
Sign up for the free Single Dad Reboot newsletter for weekly tips on divorce recovery, single parenting, and self-improvement.
