How to Build Bulletproof Confidence
Most people misunderstand what confidence is.
You think you either have it or you don’t. It’s like it’s just there when you walk out the door each morning. Even worse, a lack of confidence in one thing can bleed into others until you wonder what your problem is. Sure, you feel confident about some things, but an overall lack of confidence is always in your mind.
Have you ever compared the things you feel confident about with those you don’t? If not, try it now. Do you notice any difference between the two? You feel confident about things you are competent in. Competency is something you build; confidence is, too!
What is Confidence
It’s easy to overcomplicate the meaning of confidence.
If I asked you what a confident person looked like, you would say someone in good physical shape, dresses well, has money, and is attractive. You might see those things as a byproduct of being confident. You don’t have to be any of those things to be confident.
We like to think confidence is a feeling or an ultimate belief in yourself. Those aren’t entirely true, either. True confidence is charging into the unknown by taking action and knowing you will handle whatever comes your way. Yes, it is that simple.
Confidence Killers
We kill our confidence, usually, before we even start. We do it in our heads.
One of the biggest confidence killers is fear of failure. You’ve spent most of your life with a negative definition of failure. You only fail if you don’t try or don’t learn the lesson to improve when you come up short. You kill your confidence when you let someone else’s opinion of you override your opinion of yourself.
How can you be confident if you believe others dislike or don’t believe in you? It’s a trick question because you don’t need people to like or believe in you to try something. You also kill your confidence when you compare yourself to others.
It’s easy to think less of yourself when you feel you have less or haven’t done as much as the others around you. The problem is, you aren’t them, and they aren’t you. Everyone is different. So, how can you get past these mental hangups and others to become the confident person you’ve always wanted to be?
Here is what I’ve learned about confidence.
Time For Some Action
The most significant sign of a lack of confidence is not taking action.
You have hopes and dreams for your life. How many of them have you stepped towards to realize? The most straightforward answer is to stop thinking and go. Have you heard of Mel Robbins’s five-second rule. Countdown from five; don’t give yourself time to think, and blast off!
As simple as it sounds, it’s true. Your mind will talk you out of attempting as many things as possible. If you stop thinking and go, you avoid that altogether. Taking action builds the momentum you need to keep going.
Facing Fears
You think that sounds great, but you don’t think you can just shut down the negative internal chatter. That chatter has held you back most of your life. So now what?
You have to face your fears. This is how you do that.
First, you must be clear about what you are afraid of. You can’t move past a roadblock if you aren’t clear on what the roadblock is. Clarity helps you develop a plan to overcome. Second, now that you are clear on what you fear, how can you prevent your fears from coming true? Third, and last, if your worst fears come true, how can you fix things or get yourself back on track and going in the right direction?
I went through a bad breakup years ago AFTER I got divorced. I still wanted to find love, though.
I was scared that I couldn’t find the right person, I’d keep reliving the same mistakes, and, worst of all, get hurt again. Knowing what I was afraid of, I listed the qualities I wanted in a partner and described the type of relationship I wanted. I used this to stay on track when I started dating again.
I noted all the previous mistakes I thought I had made in relationships. Things like letting myself be walked over and needing to communicate my needs. This allowed me to be more aware of my behavior and what I could do to prevent it from continuing to happen. My last fear of being hurt again wound up not being as big of a worry as I had anticipated.
You see, by listing what I wanted in a partner and a relationship and being conscious of previous mistakes, I was able to weed out a lot of bad matches. This kept me from chasing after something that wasn’t going to work. It worked so well, and I am married to my dream partner years later.
Knowledge of Self
Have you ever started a new pursuit with insane enthusiasm?
I’m talking about the kind of enthusiasm where everything in your life now revolves around this new pursuit. You’ve completely embraced it. With all that enthusiasm, it’s easy to bite off more than you can chew, get overwhelmed or burnt out, and ultimately fall off the wagon.
This usually happens for two reasons.
You aren’t honest with yourself about your starting point.
You try to go too far too fast.
Recognize it when you start from scratch or with little knowledge. It’s not a negative. Everybody had to start from somewhere. You aren’t going to know everything at first. You will have to learn along the way, and sometimes that can be challenging. But just because you don’t pick things up right away doesn’t mean it’s not for you. Don’t let a little bit of a challenge discourage you from building what you want. If everything were so easy, we’d all be the best versions of ourselves now.
If you aren’t honest about your starting point, you will take on more than you can handle. I’ve been guilty of this when missing more extended periods of going to the gym. Most New Year resolutioners deal with this, too.
There is an adjustment period for your body when you start back up. You have to take it a little easier with an eye on the inevitable soreness that is coming. You also can’t just throw whatever weights onto the bar that you want because you might not be able to lift it without getting injured.
You have to ease in and ride the wave.
There’s been times when I overdid it and derailed myself with an injury. One time, I broke a rib on the leg press machine. I am still trying to figure out how I did that. I’ve even fallen when doing barbell lunges in a gym full of people. It’s embarrassing, but I didn’t see anyone laughing at me.
The point is, don’t put too much stress on yourself in the building stages. You can handle only so much at a given time. Dial it down a little with an eye on continuing to grow tomorrow. If you habitually rush in too hot and heavy, odds are you’ve probably given up more times than you care to admit.
If you give up enough times, you’ll eventually internalize that you never follow through. Losing the mental game before you even start will kill your chances of success. So be honest about your starting point, and don’t push yourself too hard.
Tying it Together
Building confidence is more straightforward than we envision it.
It is just taking action and knowing you’ll deal with anything that comes up along the way. The more action you take, the more confidence you build. Take a step each day.
Overcome your fears by being specific about what they are, how you can prevent them from coming true, and what you can do to fix things and start back up if they come true.
The more steps you take, the more competent you become. Your confidence levels rise with competency. It’s wild how that works. No more overthinking; take action. That’s how you win.
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