The Day You Realize You're the Problem

I couldn’t believe it.

This guy didn’t know me or anything about me. We’d never met.

Yet here he was, describing every failed relationship I’d ever been in. It’s almost like he was there in the relationship with me.

He talked about stonewalling, lack of communication, and building resentment — the things I brought into every relationship.

The man was Dr. John Gottman. He is well known for his work in strengthening marriages and predicting divorce. You’ve probably heard your favorite podcasters refer to him and his work.

Everything he pointed out about divorces rang true to me, not just in my divorce but in every relationship I’d ever had.

Suddenly, a light bulb flickered, and after years of blaming my partners, I realized the common thread in every failure was ME.

My mind then began to relive all of my past relationship mistakes.

Savior Complex

I blame Disney.

Okay, almost every form of entertainment I watched growing up had the same message, so they are all at fault.

The well-known ‘damsel in distress’ narrative turned me into a man who felt he had to save everyone he dated.

If they even hinted at issues from their past, my ears would perk up. “I think I can save this one!”

I couldn’t.

I’ve tried to save someone financially, emotionally, physically, and otherwise.

In my 20’s, I dated a woman once who was engaged. She was very convincing, and I believed she wasn’t in a happy situation and deserved better.

Shockingly, she proved she didn’t deserve better, and I was left heartbroken when she did to me what she did to her fiancé.

The young and naïve years were wild times.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to help people, but don’t do it to your detriment. Evil people will play that to their advantage.

If you’re in a situation where you feel like you can and should save the other person, reassess what it is you’re doing.

Heartbreak could be on its way to find you.

Doormats

This one requires a lot of acting and becoming an emotionless blob.

Never let them see you sweat. Or bothered or upset.

It’s not virtuous. It’s just being a doormat.

I put my needs and wants so far on the backburner that I became a monk. All my earthly desires were extinguished.

I had convinced myself that keeping quiet built character. Everyone said relationships are work, and I was doing my part.

Most people don’t like their jobs, and this rang true for me as I only got paid in resentment and contempt.

All the signs were there with my first wife. I let her do whatever she wanted.

I would get upset when I wasn’t a priority or felt disrespected, but I said nothing.

I continued to move my boundaries back to accommodate her poor behavior. The more I moved those boundaries, the more she pushed them.

I had so much resentment and contempt that we’d be in the same room together, and I would never be present. My mind would wander.

I finally built the courage to tell her she didn’t respect me. She was shocked, and two days later, we separated when I found out that she was finding a male presence in another place.

Bummer.

Communicate your boundaries and speak up when you are bothered. If you get brushed off, it might be time to eject.

Or it might lead to your partner changing. Either way, saying and doing nothing is only speeding up the ending.

Too Narrowminded

Attraction isn’t negotiable.

You are either attracted to someone, or you aren’t. That doesn’t mean you can’t become attracted to someone later by spending time with them.

But now, in 2024, people don’t want to build. If they don’t feel things instantly, you or they aren’t the one.

They keep seeking out the one that gives sparks immediately. This is generally a particular type.

It’s no wonder why so many marriages end in divorce. That electricity you feel at the beginning will eventually fade if it’s not nurtured.

Most don’t know how to nurture. They want the feeling.

This used to be me. Then I met my wife.

We met right before COVID shut the world down. Unfortunately, or fortunately, as I would find out, it meant we couldn’t get together physically.

That meant we had to talk and get to know each other. We built up our relationship slowly over four months before we could meet face-to-face.

By then, the meeting was just the icing for us.

Here we are, almost three years later, happily married. From my perspective, a big part was that we couldn’t rush into it, which had doomed my relationships in the past.

Accountability

That was it. It was me all along. Sure, the partners weren’t perfect either, but I saw my role in torpedoing every relationship I had ever had.

I was fortunate enough to find a redemption arc. Now I realize that without having the failed relationships, I wouldn’t have the excellent relationship I have now.

I took every lesson, I learned it, and I applied it. Now I know when I’m backsliding into my old ways and can quickly correct them.

That is the whole point. Not to learn so you can figure out if a previous relationship would work (probably not) but to bring that improved version of yourself into your new relationships.

The longer you keep pointing the finger at others, the more times you’ll keep reliving the same mistakes.

Take responsibility for yourself.