What Men Think When a Woman Says She Is Strong and Independent

How had things changed so much?

Fresh out of a divorce, it had been close to ten years since I had dated. There was nothing that could’ve prepared me for the adventure ahead.

I was old enough to remember that if you were interested in someone, you asked them out. If they said yes, you went out. If they said no, you kept it moving.

It had turned into people not showing up for planned get-togethers (flaking), people just stopping responding randomly (ghosting), and an almost combative nature between men and women.

The first two came from the boom in online dating. Give someone a million options, and they’ll usually keep their eye on the next best thing, just in case.

The combativeness I found was more of a surprise. Many women seemed overeager to prove they were independent and didn’t need a man.

That’s great, and I had no issue with a strong, independent woman. I was a single parent and didn’t have time to care for anyone besides myself and my daughter.

While many men would claim that is the type of woman they sought, neither side understood what the other meant by the phrase.

While women wear this distinction as a badge of honor, men view it differently.

If you are a “strong, independent woman” who isn’t having success in dating, it’s not because men are intimidated by your money, power, and success, although that’s what society and your friends tell you.

Instead, here is what men initially think when you seem fascinated with your strength and independence.

1. Telling us you don’t “need” us means something different to us than you think it does. If you want a relationship with a man, guess what? You do need him! It’s unavoidable.

The whole idea of wanting but not needing someone has become so popular. But I don’t think people fully understand what it means. It’s just become the cool cliché thing to say.

Of course, you shouldn’t need to be with someone to be happy. You should be able to find your happiness on your own.

Leading off with “I don’t need a man” is always done from a place of combativeness.

Nowadays, most men aren’t looking to come in and take complete care of their women. We want a woman who is responsible for themselves and who has dreams and aspirations.

We want to nurture and support that.

When you tell us you don’t need us, we think you have some unresolved issues from your relational past. Maybe a past heartbreak you haven’t recovered from or something else.

2. You probably aren’t open and vulnerable. This is ironic because this is usually associated with men. Relationships don’t grow without openness and vulnerability.

Now, I’m not talking about becoming your partner’s therapist, but you have to be able to handle and express emotions. You have to be able to share your thoughts, dreams, and experiences.

When you go out of your way to mention how strong and independent you are, it makes us think that you probably aren’t going to be open and vulnerable. You’ve got everything locked away.

That means we’ll have to do the same because you won’t want to hear it from us. It won’t be a successful relationship if you can’t express your thoughts and emotions. Can a relationship even be fun without those things?

3. You might be too masculine for us. I'd like you to hear me out. Strength and independence should be attributed to being an adult, not gender. We should expect adults to behave like adults.

That means being able to care for and provide for yourself without necessarily needing help.

Historically, gender roles have been ascribed to men as the breadwinners and women as wives/homemakers. As this has shifted, women have started to blaze their career paths, taking on leadership roles and becoming more “alpha.”

The problem is that what gets you ahead in the workplace doesn’t work in romantic relationships. Relationships require masculine and feminine energy.

Men don’t want to date their male friends. If we did, we wouldn’t be out trying to date women.

4. Your need for independence will make a relationship difficult. A relationship will detract from your freedom because you no longer do or think for one person. You’ll have to compromise.

Yes, you should still maintain your friends and interests that are separate. That is healthy for your relationship. But if you don’t want to do things or be with your partner, why be with them?

But you aren’t going to be spending as much time independently pursuing those things when you get into a relationship.

I’ve even seen the idea of some women wanting to be married but not living with their partner floating around. You aren’t ready for a relationship or marriage if you fear losing your independence that much.

What do men mean when they seek a strong, independent woman?

To men, it’s not that complicated. When we say we want a strong, independent woman, we mean one who can care for herself and her life.

She has a job and can provide for herself. She doesn’t need someone to do everything for her.

I bet every woman would say the same thing about the type of man they sought, right?

I don’t know when we reached the point that the term “strong and independent woman” became a screening tool in the dating world.

Women think it screens out losers, and men think it keeps them away from headaches. Unfortunately, again, it just turns out to be more miscommunication between men and women.

Part of dating means you’ll have to go on bad dates. It’s part of the experience. Sometimes, it takes some time to find a good match.

But, like most things, if you keep pointing fingers at others and haven’t changed your behavior and attitude, you are the problem.